And I do not have it.

I’d like to think that I’m a natural, more classic beauty. This occurs on the days when my self-esteem has not been hampered and allows myself to concede that I do hold some sort of beautiful quality. I would not call myself polished, however. I do  not wear make-up, and I do not spend any more time than washing my hair in the morning. It’d be perfect if I lived near the sea in Greece, but not here.

I’m trying so much to focus on the inside. Unless I’m healthy on the inside, how can I ever look healthy on the outside? I don’t want to be one of those women that needs 5 pounds of make-up, especially when it some 80% that you absorb into your skin over your lifetime. I want to make sure my skin looks healthy because I’m hydrating enough. My eyes should be clearer when I’ve eaten more vegetables. My muscles should be strong from exercise to support the rest of my body.

But in American standards, I don’t think I look that beautiful. My calves are huge and muscular. You can look at them, and I think, tell that I could probably kick your ass. Same by looking at my arms. You can tell I have curves. I am hippy and definitely not rail-thin like I was in high school. Looking at my wild, naturally big and wavy hair, it seems more organic and what I thought glamorous. I keep it long to incite touch. My eyes are very sultry and telling of my face, and I’ve been told I have great lips.

But American men just don’t seem too keen on these ideals. Surveys say they like the curvy women and “real” ones, but when I observe their behavior, they check out all the rain-thin ones. I don’t understand this inconsistency.

This is what I’m encountering with my boyfriend. There are definite reasons to believe his sexual desire for me has waned. I keep trying to initiate it  but get shot down often. I even got to the point where I thought it might be low testosterone, because this seemed a very sudden change of character.

But now I’m wondering if it’s because he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. I constantly find him checking out blonde women, skinnier than I am, with very polished make-up, clothes, everything. He spends his time looking at those women. I’m not any of those things. I never have and I don’t know if I ever will. So I can’t help but imagine that he’s wondering if the grass is greener on the other side? I don’t base my entire self-esteem on his reactions to me, but damn, I do rate my sexual attractiveness by his actions (or inaction). I struggle with it every day, because I think he looks at me less as a sexual release more and more. Overall there’s just less intimacy as well. Less cuddling, less hand-holding, less kissing. But we don’t seem to be falling out. Maybe we’re just becoming more of friends than lovers? And if that’s the truth, it really fucking hurts, because I want more than that and am constantly pushing for more than that.

Hell, I know foreign men find me extremely attractive. And you know what, I consider myself a pretty attractive person. Why the hell can’t my boyfriend?