I wish I had time to be an artist.

To really sit down and observe the nature of things around me, complete with writing whole thoughts and notes about them in a journal. I want this instead of rushing through projects because of time constraints, not all of them being really developed and thought-out. I want to take a concept through multiple levels of development and watch it grow from my original idea.

I want to sit down and draw something for four to five hours on end and not even finish it. I want to keep my brain exercised.

But in my job where all it is is RUSH RUSH RUSH – get these website updates done – get logo thrown in for mom & pop store – I can’t catch a break. I come home completely mentally exhausted. Not only did I expend all my creative energy on figuring out how to finish all these challenges within the day, I spent all my daily energy keeping my emotions tied up and not reacting to my coworkers petulance.  I can’t even rise to find myself holding a pencil. When I have I don’t even know what I should draw or create.

I last did a painting of my own accord two years ago. TWO. Even in college I didn’t feel this lack of creating. I was doing it for classes, yes, but it still fulfilled my need to create imagery and a story with my hands.

I am not encountering the nurturing aspect of art. It’s not helping me soothe my soul. I never realized how much I needed it in my life until I didn’t have it. I guess that’s the way with a lot of things. My art – visual, performing, music -  was so prevalent at all stages of my growing up that it seemed as natural to me as breathing would. I never thought choosing a profession in which I get to use these tools would end up stifling my inner voice. But I can’t see me doing any other profession. I think I just need a work atmosphere that encourages growth, nerdiness, and happiness.

I will be alone most of this weekend, so hopefully I can attempt to rejuvenate myself. I’m going to schedule specific events during the day. I’m not just going to clean the house. I’m determined to clean my soul.