I sometimes wonder what would have happened to me if the Army didn’t reject me on medical reasons.

How different would my life be right now? Would I be in Iraq or Afghanistan? Would I have experienced what Jessica Lynch did? Would I be coming home with one less leg? Would I be a graphic designer? Would I have gone to college first? So many what-if’s unanswered.

The biggest one, though, is a question  I recently posed to Brian – “how can you know what you’re made of until you’ve had to fight?” This is not just a Fight Club postmodernist diatribe, but I really do wonder how character traits change in people once they are in combat and fighting for survival. It’s nice when we can say we have certain principles but never have to actually test them out. Yes, you say under no circumstance would you ever kill another human being. But then there’s that situation where a bunch of enemies are coming to rape your sister, molest your kid, and you’re armed with an AK-47. Would you then? Or would you hold onto your “principles?”

How much cowardice would be thrust forward into the battle arena if we had mandatory military duty in the U.S.? I wholeheartedly believe that many people avoid active service because they are afraid of facing their demons. There are so many questions that have to be evaluated – what is justice, am I performing justice, am I a sinner, am I a hero, do I shoot this kid to protect my brother in the troops, the list goes on. Soldiers are faced with philosophical dilemmas every day, whereas American citizens can ignore the mind-burning questions. Sure, not all soldiers deal with it healthily. Many come back psychologically damage. But the ones who can work through this, and still want to live after all they have seen – isn’t that a true show of character?

I don’t think I can positively label myself (or let others, for that matter) brave, loyal, smart, and resourceful without having the combat experience. Yes, I’ve nearly lost my life several times to medical reasons, but those are different. Fighting through those situations just happened…I didn’t consciously decide “I want to live this life”, mainly because it happened when I was young. I want that assurance that I 1.) Want to live and 2.) am worthy of it. Would I really find that I handle stressful situations well, like my resume would tout?

It’s not that I lament the way my life is going, nor do I wish for the chance to shoot at someone. But really, truly, what is there to be said of my character until it has been put under the most extreme duress? I’m nothing but empty words and actions, then.

This is another reason why I’m training to fight in lei tai. This is the closest I can get to seeing my true self.